[CHATTERING]
Can I have a drink, mate? Mate?
Can I get served here, mate?
Can I have a drink?
Yeah, um...
I want... Can I get two...? No, three. Three pints of lager. And, uh...
Three vodka tonics and a drop of scotch.
Half a lager and lime.
Three vodka tonics, yeah. Slice of lemon in them.
And put an olive in that.
You got a tray, mate? Yeah?
A tray?
No, I want half a lager. Half a lager.
Yeah, lager and lime. That's right.
How much?
Uh...
Ain't you got no ice?
You got no ice?
MAN 1: Hello, Joe. How are you? MAN 2: Hello there.
Tom?
Tom, do the lights.
Evening, everyone.
What a miserable-looking lot.
MAN 3: Fucking cheek!
- Well, I'm back. MAN 3: Yeah.
- Are you pleased to see me? CROWD: Yeah.
- Serious? CROWD: Yes!
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]
Thank you.
What do you think of the tan?
All right? It's all over. It's not bottle, it's all over. It's all over.
Except for the old carrots and onions. I covered them up...
...because you never know, this hole in the ozone. You know, what they say?
But I go to France every year, and I don't know why I go...
Oh, there he is, look.
- Did you fucking pick them olives? - Do you want to drink it or wear it?
- You seen Gus and Paula? RAY: No. Probably in the other bar.
I'll give them a shout if I see them.
VALERIE: Where are you going? RAY: I'll be back in a minute.
Where you going with all them?
Talk to the geezers. What's with you?
[CROWD CHEERING] [VALERIE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, yes.
Round of applause for our emcee, Dave. Give it up for him.
Where you been? We've been sitting here with our tongues hanging out.
I'm fucking melting here. Look at me.
Getting them their fucking drinks. She's driving me fucking mad, she is.
MARK: I was just telling him about that Deborah.
- Remember Deborah? RAY: Deborah?
- That fucking sort. Right good-looking. - Oh, the bank bird.
- So, anyway, I get to the door, right? RAY: That's if it's true.
[CHUCKLING]
I ring the bell, right? I'm standing there, I'm waiting, right?
There's a geezer standing there in a see-through woman's negligee.
He's got all the fucking tackle hanging out. He's stark naked.
- He's got a great big la-di-da. RAY: Yeah, one at both ends.
MARK: Yeah, but the cigar was bigger.
He says, "Hello, you must be Mark.
My wife, Deborah, told me about you. Drinks are in there, party's in there."
And he's pointed at these doors.
What you call them doors in the fucking cowboy films?
- Them doors. - Louver doors.
Louver doors, right? So all of a sudden I'm stand...
[CHAIR CLUNKS]
MAN: Very sorry, mate. - All right, mate.
Cunt. Wants to sit in me fucking lap, doesn't he?
Anyway, so I go through these louver doors...
...and you ain't gonna believe what I've seen.
There's eight or nine couples, all bang at it. It's an orgy.
It's only turned out to be a fucking orgy.
There's assholes going up and down, there's tits everywhere.
It's like watching a bluey, right? I'm thinking:
"I'm having some of this, this is a bit of me."
So I strip down, right? Strip down to me boxer shorts...
...sat down on the sofa, picked up an album cover, and I start rolling a joint.
Tell him about the bird bending over with the big Earthas.
There's a bird standing next to me. She's leaning over the sofa.
She's got the biggest pair of tits you've ever seen.
They are like that, right?
I'm thinking, "I'd like to get hold of that."
I look around, she is getting a severe portion right up the fucking Gary, right?
[CHUCKLING]
The bird looks down at me rolling the joint, and she said:
"Oh, no. It ain't gonna be, one of those parties, is it? '
[LAUGHING]
[COUGHING]
- You all right? RAY: Only heard that 20 times.
And you'll hear it 20 fucking more times, it's early yet.
BILLY: Hello, Tone, it's Bill.
Oh, I'm all right, mate. Yeah, what's going on?
We've fucking been waiting here for an hour already, mate.
You turned your phone off. You know what I mean?
Come on, mate. You can't have... You should've said...
That's bollocks. Tone, for fuck's sake, man.
You fucking left us hanging in the lurch.
We're fucking shriveling up.
Give us a bang on your beer, mate. I'm fucking gasping. Good man.
Fucking hell, that's nice.
Enjoy that. Cheers.
BILLY: Your phone's been off for a fucking hour, man.
Do you know what I mean?
Tone, for fuck's sake, mate! You're fucking us about!
We've been waiting here for an hour for you.
DANNY: Tell him to hurry up! - I'm telling him!
DANNY: Tell him to be quicker!
BILLY: All right? Come now, yeah. Blinding, all right.
Yeah, it will only take you 10 minutes, then you can go and do your other thing.
Okay, mate. All right, yeah. Ciao.
DANNY: Getting me more and more.
Can I have another bang on that? He's winding me up.
BILLY: He's coming now. DANNY: When?
- He's coming down. - That's definite?
- Yeah. - You're not fucking me about, are you?
The drugs are arriving!
[CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
RAY: You dropped me off at the airport. - Wednesday.
I'm in bits. I mean, we've caned the fucking gear.
So I chop one up, sling it up me fucking hooter.
- I thought you said we was out. - It was a bit of personal.
What's he like, a bit of personal? You're fucking murder.
It was a bit of personal.
[COMIC TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER MICROPHONE]
JANET: There they are. Paula, here!
PAULA: Murderous, all day in traffic to get here.
JANET: You should've been here at 7. PAULA: Tell me about it.
ANGUS: We took a cab to Catford. There was an accident.
Traffic was whack, all down to one lane for nearly a fucking hour.
- Roadwork all the way, as usual. ANGUS: Do you want a drink?
JANET: No, thanks. - I want one.
[HONKING]
[WHISTLING]
DANNY: Tone, you all right? DEALER: All right.
BILLY: All right. It's good, yeah? DEALER: Yeah, you got two here?
BILLY: I'll get one. You want a ton? DEALER: Yeah.
- You got two bits here. BILLY: I want the bit of Bill as well.
- That's the good one? DEALER: Yeah, you got both.
DANNY: It's clean, right? DEALER: Yeah. Oh, yeah, listen.
Listen, one more thing. When you phone me, don't scream and shout.
You don't know who could be listening.
If I say I'm gonna be there, I'll be there.
Don't pester me, all right? All right, have a good night.
[COUGHING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
I just said it was the devil's music.
Then I bought a country-western album, and I played it backwards.
You know what you get when you play it backwards?
You get your wife back, your house back, your kids back.
[LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]
Now don't fucking patronize me.
Sorry about that. I'm a free-reiner.
RAY: Bill? Billy?
MARK: All right, Bill? BILLY: How's it going, mate?
- Did you get that there thing? BILLY: Yeah, yeah.
RAY: Your family's over there. BILLY: Me mum?
RAY: Yeah, do you want a drink? - No, I've got to go somewhere.
RAY: Listen. Still on for Sunday? - Yeah. Yeah, sure.
He's a mate. I can't be fucked about.
MARK: It's a nice little earner, Bill. RAY: And you're in your whack.
Yeah, I know. Lovely. I'll probably see you tomorrow.
RAY: Listen.
- Stay off that gear. - All right.
RAY: Because this is important. There's a nice few quid involved.
All right, mate.
RAY: When is it? - Sunday.
When?
Sunday.
All right, away you go.
- All right, see you later, mate. - See you later, Bill.
Am I a cunt, or am I a cunt?
[CHUCKLING]
MARK: Is he all right? - Yeah, he's on that fucking gear.
[SNORTS]
COMIC: Sean Connery making toast.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
MIMICS SEAN CONNERY: Ah.
Yes.
Maybe I'll have two slices.
You look anorexic. The best way to wind up an anorexic is...
I I I ...tap them on the shoulder and go, You putting on weight, you fat cunt? '
Did I tell you I only shag homeless women?
So much easier to get them to stay the night.
And after you fuck them, you can drop them off anywhere.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
[BOTTLES CLANGING]
MARK: So he gets up to his turn to go to the screw.
He goes, "Good morning, I'll have egg and bacon, tomato and fried bread."
- What, he thinks he's in a hotel? MARK: He's always stronging it.
So the screw looked at him, and he went, "No, egg or bacon."
RAY: What? MARK: Yeah, right?
So he went, "No, I'll have egg and bacon and..."And he went,"No, no, no.
You can have egg or bacon." He went, "You're having a fucking laugh, cunt."
- It's egg and bacon. RAY: Yeah.
MARK: It's always been. - Right.
- It's like salt and pepper, knife and fork. - Horse and cart.
MARK: Fucking all that bollocks.
[KNOCKING]
VALERIE: Hello, stranger. BILLY: All right?
About fucking time.
[MARK TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
VALERIE: You all right? BILLY: Yeah. Give us a kiss.
- Had a bath? BILLY: No.
I didn't think so. You don't half look soapy.
Crunch. Hits the screw in the eye with the egg.
BILLY: All right, mate? - All right, Bill?
BILLY: All right, Mark. Hello, my little darling. What are you doing?
RAY: Bill. - Huh?
- You get that parcel? BILLY: It's on the table.
RAY: By the... - Yeah.
VALERIE: You missed dinner. - That's all right. Not hungry.
- Mom out? - She's in the loo. Do you want tea?
Yeah, lovely. Two sugars.
VALERIE: Danny? DANNY: Got orange juice?
VALERIE: No, I've got Ribena. - Yeah, lovely.
[KNOCKING]
I'll have a cup of tea. What am I, a spade?
The screw's gone over. Well, it's fucking kicked right off...
...because they're all waiting for someone to fucking start.
And it's took a London boy to kick it off.
BILLY: Who's this? - This is Micky Tyne.
You wouldn't remember him. He's a bit more my age, you know.
And he was a fucking lunatic.
Right, so he hasn't even been there a fucking day.
He hasn't got through breakfast, and he's caused a riot.
So he's down on the block. He ain't gonna see London for three stretches.
We all went to school together, right? He was a fucking lunatic then.
Remember when we used to go to the Bonamy?
You know, where your nan lives, Bill. Over the railway.
We used to go over there thieving.
They used to keep all the vans over there with all the catalogue gear.
There was Littlewood's. What was the other one?
- Freeman's. RAY: Freeman's.
- They were to us. RAY: Yeah.
Who'd he shoot? Was it one of the firm?
No, it was off the plots, up the fucking road a bit.
He's had a row with a couple of geezers outside a fucking club.
RAY: What's that, a fucking oil rig? - Fucking hell, Red Adair's about?
[CHUCKLING]
So he's had a row with these two geezers...
...fucking one's opened their mouth, it's come out the wrong way.
Next thing you know, he's fucking shot them with a fucking revolver.
RAY: Who's giving him a revolver? - He's a lunatic, the cunt.
Who's this?
RAY: Micky Tyne. Skinny guy, long hair.
Got nicked once for breaking into a pound note.
Cunt.
- Where's he banged up? - Up in Wayland.
RAY: Wayland, for murder.
He's like a time bomb waiting to go off, that one.
RAY: Well, I just said that, didn't I?
Plankoss dossoss.
- Who'd he murder? MARK: Oh...
- Couple of geezers. MARK: Outside a club.
[RAY AND MARK CHUCKLING]
RAY: What?
- Do you remember my heart attack? - Fucking hell. Listen to this.
MARK: Listen to this, Bill. You'll love this one.
I'm 30-fucking-2 years of age, right? And I have a heart attack, right?
So me and him have been out on one for two or three days. Been a bit naughty.
We're out on this fucking bender, and we pull these two Richards.
Right fucking sorts, they was. Weren't they?
- We're having everything with them. - All tackled up. Fucking tackled up.
MARK: We're having two's-ups and chop-overs with them.
They're at it together. I still have a fucking wank on the strength of that.
So we're sitting there, and I'm taking these pills, right?
I've got these pills. I was diagnosed with depression. This was years ago.
And these pills, right, have got a fucking side effect.
No one knows over here, right? The Americans know, right?
We're like the fucking guinea pigs. We're dropping like fucking flies, right?
So all of a sudden, I'm sitting there, and you know what?
Know what they reckon now? That these pills make you violent.
RAY: You? You're not violent. - Not proper violent.
No, like weird shit, like killing your mother.
RAY: Wanna kill my mother-in-law for me?
Yeah, fucking she needs it.
And guess what they called them. Everyone called them the "happy pill."
I mean, that's a fucking joke. Happy pill? They was like cunts.
You couldn't piss, shit or come. Fucking happy pill?
They could've fucking stuck them up their asses, as far as I was concerned.
[CHUCKLING AND COUGHING]
I used to give them to my cellmate when I was banged up in the Scrubs.
- Remember that Brian? RAY: Fat cunt.
This geezer had the biggest head you've ever seen.
It was like an armchair. Like someone had picked up a medicine ball...
...and stuck it on his fucking shoulders, right?
So we're at Micky Tyne's house, right? Now, we are bang on it, right?
We're taking everything. We're taking uppers, downers, sidewinders...
...reddies, greenies, blueys, greenies, Auntie fucking Jeanies.
They're like Smarties, they're going down, and we're out of it.
All of a sudden, I get these pains right across my chest.
RAY: Braces were too tight. - Yeah.
All across here, right? All me arms start going numb, right?
And I'm in fucking trouble. I'm bang in trouble.
All across me chest, right across here, all me arms, all tight, you know?
Because one minute I'm having a laugh, he thinks I'm mucking about.
I think he's fucking...
MARK: Next minute, I'm on the floor screaming in pain.
So all of a sudden, they've scooped me up, put me down in a motor...
...and off to the hospital. Micky Tyne wants to drive.
Now, the three of us are totally out of our heads.
Micky Tyne is murder in a motor at the best of times.
Think nothing of going down a one-way street the wrong way.
- Someone in the way, he'll run him over. - We're flying down the Old Kent Road.
Next thing we know, we're down this one-way the wrong way.
Suddenly, there's this big bus in front of us...
...with the biggest black man behind the wheel you've ever seen.
And he's leaned out the window, going:
[IN ACCENT] "Where do you think you're going?"
[TOILET FLUSHES]
RAY: He was a spade, he weren't a fucking paki.
JANET: No one go in there yet. I think a rat's crawled up my ass and died.
We just timed you. You've been in there fucking 20 minutes.
[IMITATES FARTING NOISE]
Shut up. Thank you, darling. You been anywhere nice?
BILLY: Here and there. Floating about. - You want tea, Mum?
JANET: Yes, please. A strong one. None of that shamrock shit.
BILLY: What's that? - Three leaves.
[RAY IMITATES FARTING NOISES]
- Give that cunt a dose of poison. RAY: Don't you start, Trappy Lil.
MARK: Shall I get a nice little drop of wine?
- All right, sweetheart. - Careful, me head, I'm in pain.
Where you going? You sleeping here?
No he fucking ain't!
[MUMBLING]
[HONKING]
[RAY WHISPERING]
Popping out for a couple of hours, babe. Won't be long.
Bill, don't get too comfortable here. Don't forget tomorrow.
Be about an hour. I'm gonna get on, all right? Get rid of him.
See you later, Jan.
Where's he going this time of night all suited and booted?
I don't know, do I? Don't care.
- Where you going tomorrow? - To help my mate out at work.
- His work. VALERIE: What work?
He ain't got no fucking work.
If he wanted to work, he could finish this room.
He's taking the piss.
MARK: We caught him coming out of the café like we arranged, right?
He goes up and gives him a shot in the eye.
Gives him a black eye so it looks pucker, you know what I mean?
Fat Tommy thinks it's for real. He's hanging on to his legs, won't let go.
RAY: I gotta give him a fucking dig, ain't I?
Because he's hanging on to me fucking leg...
...and when I've hit him, I think he's gone into shock.
I think I broke his jaw.
He's laying on the floor, and I'm about to kick his head in.
Stamping on his fucking head, claret everywhere.
He's forgot he's in the fucking coup, ain't he? He thinks he's being robbed.
Well, he is being fucking robbed, ain't he?
Tell him about the gear next week.
MARK: We got a geezer we been working on...
[SIREN WAILING]
...he works in a warehouse, right? Down at the west...
What you do is, you go in the front, moody like you're going to buy big...
...then you slip around back, he loads you up with whatever you want.
- You give him a list, he does... - Don't tell him too much, he'll go alone.
[HONKING]
RAY: Shithole. Nothing but spades.
MARK: You gonna be like this all night? RAY: I ain't gonna be like this all night.
We're supposed to be having a beer.
RAY: I don't even want to be here!
MARK: You're having a laugh, ain't you? RAY: Look at that.
[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[MARK TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
MARK: We'll have some of them marbles.
BILLY: Fancy a game of camels? - Camels, sure. Ride the camels.
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
MARK: Ride it, you lousy camel! - Giddyup, you cunt!
[BELL RINGING]
Yeah! That was mine!
Give us a fucking prize. Let's have a prize here.
He's won a prize, hasn't he?
Let's have a go, mate.
MARK: When they're nice and short, you see her ass...
...and you say to her, "Do a little b, i, t of dusting over there, sweetheart.
And as they bend over, you give them a right good portion right up from behind.
Ray, over here, look. Little bird in the glittery dress there.
A bit of you, mate, good lot.
Just down there, look.
Over here.
GREETER: Wanna come in? RAY: I'll come in you.
GREETER: Will you? RAY: Let's have some of that.
GREETER: Wanna see a nice show? RAY: I wanna see you.
- Here, something to cuddle at night. GREETER: Oh, cheers.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Right on your fucking ass.
[WATER RUNNING]
[SNIFFING]
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
All the way down.
Ah!
[SIREN WAILING]
What's happened here? Look.
- What fucking happened here? - Look, it's Old Bill. Here, look.
Have a look at that.
Get on that geezer, there. Slow down a bit. Get on that, look.
- I can't have none of that. MARK: He's dead.
- He's well dead. RAY: Is he dead?
MARK: Drive on, mate. It gives you the fucking horrors, don't it?
Looks like hit and run.
MARK: I got two grams, and you owe me 50 fucking quid.
You owe me 50 quid. Here's 100 fucking quid.
You give me two back. You owe me 50 quid.
RAY: Don't cry. I'm getting the fucking horrors here.
- How you going, all right? - Not too bad.
- Stuart's in the Wimpy. RAY: Tell him I wanna see him.
MARK: Result.
Go on, my son.
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
MARK: Now, you watch and learn, Bill. You watch and learn, mate.
Watch him go to work.
[MARK CHUCKLING]
Fucking good shot! Go on, my son. Fucking sweet as.
See, what goes around, comes around, Bill. What goes around, comes around.
Nice one.
Get in, let's get lively. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Sweet as. Nice one, mate, nice one.
Did you feel that?
Ah!
[BILLY SCREAMING]
RAY: Get up! Get up! BILLY: What's going on?
Get up, you cunt! Get up! Get up! Where's my fucking gear?
Don't fucking lie to me, you cunt!
Where's my fucking gear? Where's my fucking gear?
Don't tell me lies! Don't lie to me, you cunt, or I'll knock you out!
Now, where's my gear?
- I don't know what... - Don't fucking lie to me, you cunt!
Don't fucking put your hands up! Get your fucking hands off!
Now, Bill, where's my gear? Don't fanny to me.
Don't ever fucking fanny to me!
Where's my gear, Bill?
- Calm yourself down, mate. - Where's my fucking gear?!
BILLY: Calm it. You looked for it?
What am I? Some sort of cunt?
- Where's my gear? - I don't know!
Don't lie to me! I tell you now, don't fucking lie!
I'll fucking kill you! Where's my fucking gear?
VALERIE: What's going on? RAY: Mind your own fucking business!
- Where's my gear? Don't try to... BILLY: I haven't touched it!
VALERIE: Leave him!
RAY: Cunt! Cunt! Yeah? VALERIE: No!
[BILLY SCREAMING]
VALERIE: What are you doing to him? Fucking hell, Ray!
RAY: Get out of my way! Get that cunt out of my house!
Get that cunt out of my fucking house!
VALERIE: You're an animal, you are!
RAY: You taking the piss out of me? There's your fucking clothes!
Get him out of my fucking house now! Get him out!
I give him a roof, fed him, give him money, till he fucking thieves off of me?
You fucking junkie cunt! Get him out or I'll kill him!
Then I'll fucking kill you and your slag shit cunt family!
I'll blow the fucking lot of you up. Get him out of my house now, cunt!
VALERIE: Come and sit down, you. I'm fucking sick of this!
The pair of you, all the time.
You're gonna have to get that looked at! I'm fucking sick of it!
- It's gonna do my fucking head in, you! RAY: Valerie!
VALERIE: I'm coming!
[ELEVATOR HUMMING]
[CLICKING]
[BABY CRYING]
MAN: Careful of that.
BILLY: Got a spare fag, mate?
Blinding. Cheers, mate.
- Been in a fight? BILLY: No, no. I'm a brickie.
Fell off some scaffolding at work. It's all right, it's only a scratch.
- Is that your boy? FATHER: Yeah.
Yeah, fucking, I just had me fucking bike nicked from over there.
I needed it to get to the hospital, know what I mean?
Couldn't lend us a pound, could you, mate? So I can get the bus.
I'll pay you back. I only live in the flats.
Gary?
Come on.
Thanks for the fag, yeah.
FATHER: Come on.
Excuse me, have you got any spare change?
- You got any...? - I just got out of the bus, good man.
Got any spare change, mate? Any spare change?
[MAN WHISTLING]
[HONKS]
JANET: What you done to your nose?
BILLY: Raymond...
...gave me a love bite.
JANET: Hello? It's me. You up?
Yeah, they just give him some antibiotics.
Yeah.
Yeah. No, they said leave it, it'll heal up on its own.
Yeah, it looked worse than what it was.
Yeah.
Yeah, half-hour. No, about 20 minutes ago.
You know what it's like at the hospitals at night.
They're understaffed, ain't they?
Yeah.
Well, I thought I'd ring you up and let you know he was all right.
Yeah.
I know.
Who's that in the background? Is he laughing?
Tell him for me he's a horrible bastard. Next time I see him, he'll get a clump.
Put him on!
No, he won't, will he?
Yeah.
Yeah, all right, love. Ta-ta.
I fucking hate that Ray.
I curse the day she ever laid eyes on that bastard.
Why don't she get out? Leave him?
What, with a 5-year-old and one on the way?
Don't be stupid, Mum. Where's she gonna go?
Up the fucking halfway house, living on the fucking social?
Why'd she get pregnant again if she don't like him?
She wanted another kid and didn't want a different dad, that's why.
He's not stopping the night. When he wakes up he can go downstairs.
JANET: He's going downstairs. There's no room.
KATH: I don't want him up here doing drugs.
JANET: Oh, leave off, Mum.
- You all right, Bill? - Yeah.
[GROANING]
Oh, let us have a fag, Nan.
I left you a tea over there. Cold by now.
MAN OVfR _V: I was duly fítted for a dress ín the fínest sílk...
...wíth trímmíngs of Englísh lace.
However. Merely to dress as a woman was not enough to satísfy me.
It was ímperatíve that I also be legally declared a woman.
[BOTTLES CLANGING]
[SCREAMING]
[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]
[DOORBELL BUlllNG]
Hello? Yeah, all right.
Don't make a noise, let her see you like that.
[GASPING]
BILLY: Mum? JANET: What's the matter?
- I need to borrow your van. - You can't borrow the van.
BILLY: Just give us the keys, Mum. Don't fuck me about.
JANET: Look at you! You can't drive like that!
I need some fucking gear!
JANET: Keep your voice down. You'll wake her!
BILLY: Doing me up, mate! You don't know!
Where do you want me to take you?
BILLY: Doing me up! - Where do you want me to take you?
BILLY: The flats.
JANET: I fucking hate them flats.
Make this the last time. Don't make habit of it, Bill.
I'll sling some clothes on.
RASTA MAN: Bill!
BILLY: Cheers.
JANET: Fucking hell! You took your time!
What are you doing? Get in the fucking back! Don't do that here!
And keep down so no one don't see you!
- You all right? - Yeah.
[WOMAN AND MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]
BILLY: You got any spare change?
No? Nothing? Neither of you?
[SIREN WAILING]
JANET: What you doing here? - You got any money?
Don't be silly. I gave you money this morning. What you done with it?
Something come up, know what I mean? I had to weigh off a mate of mine.
- What mate? - A mate, Mum! I lent him a bit of dough.
- I haven't got any money! - Don't fuck about!
Don't raise your voice at me! Showing me up at fucking work!
I've got the pox of it.
- How much do you want? - A score.
I haven't got a score. I don't go to work...
...so you can spend it on your mates.
- What did you do with what I gave you? - I've done that!
- On fucking gear? - Don't fuck me about!
JANET: You know how much you've had out of me the last year?
It adds up to thousands!
Don't be stupid! How'd you work that out?
Because you got a 60-pound-a-day habit and I been supporting it like some cunt!
- Just lend me a tenner, then. - I haven't fucking got any money!
- You ain't got a tenner? - No, I haven't got...
Oh, bollocks, you fucking tight cunt!
- I'll get the money! I'll go steal it! - Yeah, and do plenty of bird!
And go back to prison like your old man? You horrible, selfish bastard!
Val!
Valerie!
Ray?
[PHONE RINGING]
[CLATTERING]
RAY: Well? VALERIE: She ain't seen him.
JANET: I don't know where he is.
RAY: Told you it'd be a poxy waste of time.
J Gave Sue a bell he ain't there neither.
He's out on his toes. He ain't gonna show here.
He might not be bright, but he ain't no mug.
Can't believe no one's seen him.
He ain't hard to spot. He's got a nose like Coco the Clown.
It ain't funny though, is it?
It's a fluke I weren't in. I'm usually getting her dinner at that time.
I was around the launderette. Machine's broken.
JANET: Where were you? VALERIE: He was playing snooker.
JANET: You all right? RAY: Hmm.
You didn't call the Old Bill?
What, with my form? Don't be stupid.
That's all I need, the Old Bill snooping about...
...making themselves busy. It was Billy, Jan.
Spare keys are gone. What am I gonna say, they broke in with a key?
I'd look a cunt, wouldn't I?
- You ain't keeping him up there, are you? - No, why?
Just wondering. Because you know he's due a dig.
He's a thieving slag, and when I get hold of him, I'll kick his head in.
- You had a beer? - Have I had a beer?
- You get lippy when you drink. - You don't? You want a spank as well?
Don't see why not. You knock her about enough, might as well do a job lot.
- Oh, don't start. - Get me away from this cunt!
JANET: I'm not starting. - Bollocks!
He showed up at work, we had words and that was it. Fucking hiding him.
[DOOR CREAKS]
JANET: Get in, Mother, nosy cow! It's got nothing to do with you!
RAY: Get in the car, I wanna get her home.
She has got a name. She was christened.
Not that you'd fucking remember.
That was his mum's picture. Of all the things he could have fucking nicked...
RAY: Don't slam the fucking door!
[VACUUM CLEANER DRONING]
[WHISTLING]
All right, Kath. Kath! Done all your work?
KATH: Yeah. - Yeah?
Look. You ain't fucking done that, have you? Have a look.
- Don't dare raise a hand to me. - What you gonna do?
- Little bird like you. - Don't you worry, mate.
I could give you a kick in the balls, I ain't that old.
RAY: Ain't that old for what? Want a bit of that?
- Get off! Get off me! - What?
I'm surprised you still know where a pair of bollocks are!
The last time someone was hanging out of you...
...they must've been fucking on horseback!
The last time you had a trade... Kath!
When was the last time you had a fucking trade?
[CHUCKLING]
I'm only... I'm only fucking about. Come give us a cuddle.
Give us a little cuddle.
Cuddle.
Fucking... I only wanted a fucking laugh. What's the matter with you?
A fucking giggle.
A giggle.
Hey, Kath!
Never lead with your fucking right hand, babe.
Because if you lead with your right hand, left hook!
Ping, ping, ping!
Fucking does you a left, right, center, you know? Draw them in, babe.
Bing, bing. Ping.
My baby. I fucking love my baby. What are you fucking about?
Mother? Love you. I'm going out. See you later.
Love you! Bye!
[DOOR SLAMS]
Mum!
Nan!
GIRL: No, no, no.
No, come here. Look, Mum made this. Real nice. Have a wee bit.
- No! - Just a wee bit.
PAULA: Kevin! Kevin!
Good Yorkshire pudding. Have a Yorkshire. Have one of these...
GIRL: No! No!
- But you like them. - No!
I thought you got to eat something new.
[KNOCKING]
Whoever that is, tell them to fuck off!
PAULA: William, what you doing here? Come in.
- Is me mum there? PAULA: Yeah, in the living room.
Can you get her?
PAULA: Come on in. - I'm all right.
Janet! Janet, Billy's here!
ANGUS: Billy boy, get your ass in here!
JANET: You've got some front coming around here.
Ray's on his way. He's just come off the phone and he sounds boozed.